THAT JUST HAPPENED: NFC Championship Game

“Which old white sports writer can impose his cultural viewpoint on tonight’s game? SEAHAWKS. NINERS. TONIGHT.” – I wrote this before kickoff. Oh my God I did not know how right I was. Old white people! The best and worst!

Both games this weekend were very good but in different ways. Where as the Broncos and Patriots was an exhibition of the greatness of Peyton Manning (in the face of Tom Brady no less) this Seahawks and Niners affair was a close game that gave you both defensive fun and offensive fun. We did it guys.

Here are some #hot #sports #takes. Be advised.

  • I would straight up murder a magical hobo to get either one of these quarterbacks. They are both exceptional. Kaepernick is a more dynamic athlete than Wilson, but Wilson can make all kind of space for himself behind the line of scrimmage. Both are blasts. Thank you for making football fun, gentlemen. Pretty much this game is going to be me watching and wishing that E.J. Manuel did all of this. Twice on the Seahawks third drive Russell Wilson made plays by stepping outside of the pocket and delivering throws to open receivers. I’d love for Manuel to create extra time with his mobility. Wilson does it. Roethlisberger does it (with a bit more alleged sexual misconduct). Manuel has the skill set to do it. If he develops properly all y’all going to erotic city on the funk bus. Why on Earth should I hope for that, though?
  • The first play of the game and chaos erupts. Wilson naked bootlegs out to the left and is met by Smith. Wilson fumbles and the Niners recover. The Niners went nowhere and took three. This was something that was completely absent in the Broncos and Patriots – an element of anarchy. Turnovers turnovers turnovers.
  • Have the Niners always been this bad in the redzone?
  • 4th and 1 at the Seattle 41 and the Niners try the old hey let’s see if we can fool them into going offside trick. What’s the percentage on that play? I’m willing to bet it’s less than going for it. They took a delay of game (better than wasting a time out at least) and bravely punted.
  • Pretty excited to hear Mike Pereira, dawg.
  • HITNER? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HITNER? Not only did he get himself a personal foul in the first quarter but he also lost his man on Seattle’s field goal drive early on. Hey look Donte Whitner lost his man on a scramble! Ah I should stop picking on the guy but I just can’t help it. I’m an asshole. He made a play on a deep throw in the late in the third quarter so you know he isn’t a total putz.
  • [my reaction to the physical destruction of human forms wrought by this affair]

  • A lot of guys went down during this game, most horrifically to San Francisco linebacker NaVorro Bowman. This is what the sport is. Let’s stop fucking around people and admit we are part of the problem that is the physical toll this game takes on the people who play it. How on Earth does this sport survive as it does?
  • I adore that the first time all year the Seahawks are punished for how much they hold in the secondary is in the NFC Championship Game.
  • Colin Kaepernick is fucking lightning. I could watch him run all day. It’s the human form in a state of grace. It makes it even more stupid how people react to his appearance at podiums or what is on his arms. It’s Da Vinci.
  • Ryan will have more exciting jams on Richard Sherman later, but for now he looks like an idiot with that half ski mask shit. Ditch the scuba gear you look patently ridiculous.
  • San Francisco going for it on 4th and goal and getting it. Dare to dream everyone.
  • Holy crap Jim Harbaugh with reading glass, a beer gut and tucked in khakis looks like an ancient English professor. How can he have a gut when he screams as much as he does? The calories he burns through excoriating passer-bys must be tremendous.
  • OFFICIATING CONTROVERSY! A punter was hit in his planting leg. A 5-yard penalty was assessed instead of a 15-yard penalty. San Francisco would have had a first down deep in their own territory rather than punting to Seattle at midfield. Seattle scored a touchdown and took the lead on the next possession. Football!
  • How does it take so long for officials to come to the conclusion that the quarterback intentionally grounded the ball? These things are usually pretty obvious. It took ten seconds for the officials to throw the flag on Russell Wilson on the last play of the third quarter. There’s like eight officials watching the play.
  • FOURTH AND FUN! 4th and 7 from the Niners 36. Seattle lined up for the field goal but took a timeout. Then the offense came back out. The Niners jumped but it didn’t matter because Wilson threw one down the seam to Kearse for the score. It was a perfectly placed ball.
  • I would like one of your elite quarterbacks please.