Oh. Hello there. Is it football time again?
We’re back. Let’s do this thing. The Bills played a home game against the New England Patriots on Sunday. Here’s how it went.
Get pumped up.
15:00 — New Bills Kicker kicks off (0-0 tie)
I am so glad you are back.
14:56 — Entire defensive line takes encroachment penalty (0-0 tie)
14:24 — Stevan Ridley runs for 3-yard gain. He fumbles but is ruled down by contact. (0-0 tie)
Good work anyway, I guess.
Doug Marrone challenges fumble Bills didn’t recover. Call upheld.
Let’s go down to Coach Marrone on the sidelines for an explanation.
Good looks, coach.
13:42 — Brady throws 24-yard pass to Amendola (0-0 tie)
Not a fan of this New Welker.
12:17 — Bills blitz on 3rd and 10. Brady throws incomplete pass. Patriots punt. (0-0 tie)
IS THIS HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO WORK?!?
12:05 — C.J. Spiller runs for a yard (0-0 tie)
It’s just nice to have you back, C.J.
11:41 — Spiller runs for 2-yard gain. Spiller fumbles. (0-0 tie)
Tommy Kelly recovers.
I don’t want to play anymore.
11:33 — Stevan Ridley runs for 7-yard gain. (0-0 tie)
This is what happens when parents spell their child’s name wrong. They only bring more hurt into the world.
10:51 — Brady throws 9-yard touchdown pass to Julian Edelman (7-0 Patriots)
Almost held them scoreless five minutes!
9:42 — E.J. Manuel throws 13-yard pass to Stevie Johnson on 3rd and 3. (7-0 Patriots)
That sure looks like football to me.
8:56 — Manuel’s deep pass to Robert Woods nearly intercepted. Bills punter punts. (7-0 Patriots)
Just testing the brakes a bit. That’s all.
4:51 — Patriots drive stalls at 30. Stephen Gostkowski kicks 48-yard field goal (10-0 Patriots)
How about a little optimism, Mr. President?
Whatever. Get ready for the punt show.
I’m skipping five straight series that end in punts. E.J. threw a pick that was overturned on replay. Here’s a GIF of a cat attacking a cat balloon:
I hope that helped.
8:40 — Ridley runs for a loss of one. Kiko Alonso forces fumble. Da’Norris Searcy recovers and returns it 74 yards for a touchdown (10-7 Patriots)
Looks like this is going to be A Thing.
6:57 — Brady throws 20-yard pass to Kenbrell Thompkins (10-7 Patriots)
Oh. Right. Still losing.
5:14 — Bills defense forces punt. (10-7 Patriots)
They are playing… well. Well enough, at least.
3:53 — Manuel throws 3-yard pass to Marquise Goodwin. Goodwin fumbles. Patriots recover. (10-7 Patriots)
It’s a repost from last year, but how was I supposed to know we were going to draft the kid?
3:45 — Shane Vereen runs for 21-yard gain. (10-7 Patriots)
Get out of my life, Shane.
2:00 — Brady throws 8-yard touchdown pass to Edelman (17-7 Patriots)
You stupid idiots.
1:55 — Bills go three-and-out. Bills punter punts. (17-7 Patriots)
Nice 2-minute drill, dynguses.
1:07 — Brady throws interception to Justin Rodgers (17-7 Patriots)
This really was an incredible play. Also, every other play in this game was reviewed by the replay booth. We will lose entire days of our lives to this stupid game’s stupid rules.
1:03 — Manuel throws 19-yard pass to Scott Chandler. (17-7 Patriots)
0:39 — Manuel throws 18-yard touchdown pass to Robert Woods (17-14 Patriots)
I’ve missed you, taco monkey.
13:17 — Manuel runs for 19 yards. (17-14 Patriots)
That was different.
Wave the flag, Freddie!
11:09 — Manuel throws 18-yard touchdown pass to Steve Johnson (21-17 Bills)
Do we have a quarterback? Is that what we’re looking at here?
8:05 — Brady throws 19-yard pass to Vereen on 3rd and 10. (21-17 Bills)
6:17 — Brady throws 19-yard pass to Amendola to Buffalo 5. (21-17 Bills)
This is my nightmare.
4:12 — Brady fumbles on 4th and 1 at the 1. (21-17 Bills)
Alonso recovers. (21-17 Bills)
With all these turnovers, this game should have been sponsored by a bakery. I’m sorry. I’ll stop.
Can’t turn away now.
13:03 — Brady throws 16-yard pass to Tompkins (21-17 Bills)
11:24 — Brady sacked by Kyle Williams on 3rd and 5 (21-17 Bills)
I wasn’t ever really worried.
Do… do you feel that?
8:50 — Bills run six plays in no-huddle. Bills punter punts. (21-20 Bills)
Well… they sure do play fast.
6:00 — Patriots run seven plays, then punt (21-20 Bills)
Six minutes to go. They have the ball with a lead. They can do this.
5:51 — Spiller runs for no gain (21-20 Bills)
5:29 — Manuel throws incomplete pass (21-20 Bills)
Just send in the scientifically inaccurate velociraptors now and get it over with.
5:22 — Manuel throws 4-yard pass to Chandler on third down. Bills punter punts. (21-20 Bills)
3:12 — Brady throws 6-yard pass to Amendola on third down. (21-20 Bills)
1:20 — Brady throws 10-yard pass to Amendola on third down. (21-20 Bills)
1:08 — Vereen runs for 15-yard gain. Patriots in red zone. (21-20 Bills)
0:51 — Brady takes knee. Patriots call timeout with 0:09 seconds left. (21-20 Bills)
0:09 — Gostkowski kicks 35-yard field goal. (23-21 Patriots)
I’m going to need a minute.
It’s probably best if you sit alone at lunch for a while.
See you next week.