Consider Me Piqued

by Ryan

I can’t believe no one is talking about this.

In this snoozefest of a season, the most exciting thing in the history of the National Hockey League is happening and no one seems to care. No not 24/7, that was an awful idea. No one watches HBO for sports, they watch it for vampires and f-bombs.

That was a regrettable decision and no one watched the Winter Classic, but this thing just might be the best idea ever. Seriously, is Stan Lee really that hard up for cash? Has the value of his autograph really depreciated that much?

The NHL Guardians project is a special kind of disaster in that they are using it to corrupt an existing strategy that showed promise. It’s like these 30 team-based superheroes are protecting the league from the lurking evil of success.

They’ve already teased the concept with a commercial for the All Star Game, which would already have been cool because of the “Fantasy Draft” style in which the teams will be picked. Awesome, but what the hell does Windy McGee over there have to do with anything?

What I love about the bio is that it is incredibly confusing and remarkably enlightening. There’s just so much information in those two paragraphs that it’s actually a bit overwhelming. Instead of getting an in depth look at this character’s soul, it actually reads like a random smattering of facts.

This is what we know about The Sabre:

– He’s a man of deep thought, choosing to devote his life to green technology and its applications.

– His scientific endeavors have allowed him to travel the world and he has been deeply affected by the different cultures he’s experienced.

– The government has tried to make him a liaison, but he’s turned them down preferring to travel the world on his own dime and staying under the radar.

– He’s a noble intellectual who would rather outthink his opponent than beat him to smithereens.

He feels feelings! He loves the environment! The Man can’t keep him down! Oh, and his entire body is made of water, so he can steam his own broccoli and kill you with an ice sword. Sounds like my kind of guy.

I love the hydroelectric angle they took, though. Clearly he worked at the Niagara Power Project before he gained (and restrained!) the power to murder someone with his own moisture.

Comic books are supposed to be silly and this project is clearly living up to that standard, but I have to wonder what they actually plan on doing with these things. Does Thomas Vanek become this guy at night? Is it actually environmentally friendly faceoff specialist Paul Guastad when he’s not out there running for office?

I guess the point of this whole thing is to generate interest in the league and all that, and I guess you have me confused enough where I’ll watch the All Star Game and find out what the hell is going on.

But just so you guys know, I was going to watch anyway. You didn’t have to make up a super hero or 30 to finish the job.