Of Rubrics and Amplifiers

by Corey

So Aaron Maybin has laid down a new track with the help of Caddy Da Don of Baltimore fame. I’m going to try and do something potentially ridiculous. I’m going to try and take this seriously as a work of music. Don’t worry, we’ll look at all the other stuff with Maybin too.

Now I’ve never met the guy, so I am ill prepared to speak about his true character. However, we may be able to infer some general tendencies through his actions. I have prepared a chart.

I’m completely making this up as I go, so lets take this not so seriously until our sample size of trial runs increases. I can pretty much breakdown someone based on these four aspects: public and private action, and public and private thought. This rubric is not designed to give a total picture of someone’s personality or character. Maybe its best to think of this as a check engine light. When you seem weird/crazy/an idiot in one square of your life, we start to shade it in. The more squares we shade in, the more questionable of a lad you are.

Maybe your thoughts are sound, but you’re a party animal. There can still be balance. Maybe you are a terrible person in your public life, but strive for peace and tranquility in private. Balance. No one has a clear chart. Your chart, however, should never be filled in completely. You throw up on the air after a night of binge drinking and you never pay your bills. Now we are starting to get dicey. If you are tipping the scales across the blocks, then there are indications that you have issues and/or you are an idiot.

Simple!

Also, since with public figures we rarely get a good look at the private aspect of their lives with any kind of accuracy, we can only get a handle on the public side of the rubric. We’re half blind here. This is because rubrics are terrible devices for measuring people. They can’t account for the many varieties of the human being. By their nature they reduce nuance.

But we aren’t taking this seriously here. So no worries. We’ll use this rubric to judge whether or not people are crazy/idiots. Let’s look at the track, then let’s run Maybin through our Highly Experimental CHaracter Test, or the H.E.C.H.T. Wait. That’s completely by accident… and AWESOME!

THE TRACK

The track begins with the often heard audio captured by NFL Films claiming that if you could not run with the big dogs, you should stay on the porch. The foundation in this track, which for almost all Rap tunes is usually someone else’s work, is Sam Spence’s “Golden Boy.” I don’t think I want to hold sampling rampantly against Mr. Da Don. It is so ubiquitous now that I don’t think anyone can be held accountable to being a bit lazy. Everyone is doing it. And if you do it right, it can actually sound pretty good. This, however, doesn’t even use the best part of the track. Golden Boy starts to really hit its swing at around the :45 mark, when the brass cuts loose a solid fanfare. Mr. Da Don uses filler from further into the track. Now Mr. Da Don has different needs. He needs a loop to rap too, but I say if you are going to cut up and use a tune for your foundation you should be using its strongest part. The loop used really goes nowhere. Generic drum machine fills the rest. I want to give him credit for actually using an NFL Films track there, though, so bonus points.

THE LYRICS

This is where we start to get into the concept of this song, and really, Rap in general.

Politics is beginning to reflect Rap in that facts are becoming less and less relevant to what you are saying. Aaron Maybin has accomplished very little within the NFL as a professional. He has pretty much been benched, and is on the fast track to getting cut after being a high pick. It is questionable as to whether he should have been picked that high. The general consensus seems to be that he is a bad professional football player by NFL standards.

This is the real world, where you and I live. This is not the world where this tune lives. In this world, Aaron Maybin is feared. Aaron Maybin consistently gets to the quarterback. Quarterbacks fear him, and even attempt desperation throws because it is impossible to penetrate the defense that has the luck to employ Aaron Maybin. Aaron Maybin helped to build the trans-continental railroad. Aaron Maybin once played on the opposite side of the defensive line with Paul Bunyon. Aaron Maybin invented the submarine.

Making yourself look awesome is not new to music, but this goes beyond making yourself look good and crosses into pure fabrication. It’s like Maybin is some kind of folk hero that no one has ever heard of. Somewhere in Baltimore little kids are gathering ’round their grandfather to be regaled with stories from years long past about how the Mighty Maybin once saved their people from a flood, fire, angry gods, and an alien invasion.

I have money. I have endorsements. Players fear me.

These are the kind of takes that would get a caller killed on any sports talk show if they tried to stick up for Maybin. It’s weak ammunition because there are simply no facts to back it up. You have endorsements? Funny, I didn’t see your face on the Gatorade commercial they air every night on Sunday Night Football. You have money? Everybody in sports has money, pal. Chris Kelsay has money. Players cannot fear you if you don’t play.

Let’s be fair. Its possible this track was put into production way before it was clear Maybin was terrible. Maybe it was in post-production hell. The just couldn’t get the snares right. I don’t know.

But if these lyrics are to represent Maybin’s public, and perhaps his private thoughts, and his play on the field his public action, then we have an issue. We might be over 50 percent crazy/idiot on the H.E.C.H.T., the charity work aside (and there is charity work. You can read about it on his site.)

This is where Rap is coming off the rails. I’m not saying music can’t be fun. Talking junk is one of the founding tenants of rap, but it needs to be balanced. I need to see something that also speaks to the world around you. What do you care about? Where is your soul?

This is Aaron Maybin’s theme song. It is his standard. He has planted his flag, and emblazoned across it is the Nike swoosh, a martini glass, and descriptions of deeds he has never and very well may never do. This song is everything thats wrong with rap, and maybe everything thats wrong with Maybin’s approach to football.

This is a direct quote from Mr. Da Don’s webpage.

“It’s hard to remember a lie and easy to remember the truth. There’s no need for a pen and pad when talking about your real life.”

But we aren’t taking this seriously here.

One Comment

  1. “Aaron Maybin helped to build the trans-continental railroad. Aaron Maybin once played on the opposite side of the defensive line with Paul Bunyon. Aaron Maybin invented the submarine.”

    Bwahaha, nice. I heard Aaron Maybin won the Nobel prize for chemistry. His hands are also a human defibrilator.