Hat Guy on T.O.

by Ryan

It’s times like this when you discover that we have fantastic readers. Tonight we found in our inbox not only the Trent Edwards Insider article I asked about earlier, but this gem about T.O. from Mike Celizic. Oh yes, FJM fans, it’s Hat Guy!

Owens in Buffalo is a recipe for disaster
T.O.’s too old to put Bills into playoffs, and he’s incapable of good behavior

The popular analogy for what Buffalo did when it signed Terrell Owens for the 2009 season is to say that the Bills put their money down and rolled the dice. But that’s giving them too much credit.

Did they not pay? Playing with the house’s money? So many routes to go with this one…

The craps analogy doesn’t work because in dice, you have an actual chance of winning. What the Bills did is more like doubling down on 19 in blackjack when the dealer’s showing 20. Unless you’re the luckiest cuss alive, you’re losing that bet, and everybody knows it.

So far “everybody” consists of Mike Celizic and his hat, but close enough.

Somewhere in the Buffalo front office, people are saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

Or “Holy crap we signed T.O.”, but whatever.

This is what people say when they buy lottery tickets, and it’s true enough — if all you’re risking is a dollar that you’d just spend somewhere else. But when you or I buy a lottery ticket, we’re not planning our future on the prospect of winning. The Bills are.

So wait, you buy the sports car after the numbers are drawn? I’m lost already, hat guy.

The Bills paid $6.5 million for that chance.

Wait, are they paying for a lottery ticket? Blackjack? Craps? What metaphorical game of chance are the Bills paying for in T.O.? Then again, we’re just lucky he hasn’t compared Owens to a bag of M&Ms yet.

This isn’t a 50-50 proposition. It’s not 40-60 or 30-70. It’s hard to say what the actual odds are-

But definitely NOT 50-50, 40-60, or 30-70. That much is CLEAR.

-since Owens is batting a perfectly imperfect oh-for-3 with teams so far. No matter how well he’s done on the field, he’s always left a toxic slick behind him in the locker room.

He’s like an evil, chemistry-destroying snail.

No team has been better off when he left than it was when he got there.

Not even the dodgeball team he played for in elementary school. He called a teammate icky and demanded a trade to a team that didn’t have cooties.

There’s a track record here that the Bills are ignoring, and it’s going to come back to haunt them. They may as well lick their fingers and stick them in an electric socket. The effect is going to be the same.

Somehow I’d rather electrocute myself than bang my head against the same 7-9 wall year after year.

The Bills aren’t renting T.O. in his prime. It’s a 35-year-old wide out whose great skills are slowly declining. It’s a guy who is incapable of being a team player. If Jerry Jones gave up on him, who in Buffalo can change him?

I can’t argue with much of that, but you still haven’t told me why the Bills shouldn’t have signed him. Are we getting there yet? Oh okay, good.

The biggest reason the Bills should not have signed him is because he’s willing to take the job.

…What?

Think about it.

I… I’m trying.

If Owens is willing to work for Buffalo, it’s only because he’s desperate for work.

So he’s ready, willing, and able to work; but you want him unemployed? What are you, Ford?

T.O. knows he’s running out of options.

We all know this, yes.

When he had grown tired of San Francisco, he engineered his trade to Philly, refusing to participate in a trade to the Ravens, where he thought his great talents would not be fully utilized. After Philly, he went to another top team, the Cowboys. But after being thrown under the buckboard by Jerry Jones, Owens looked around and saw the top teams cowering behind lead shields lest he contaminate them with his presence.

Good, I was hoping there would be a history lesson somewhere in this. After this can we talk about the Pacific Theater of World War II? I’ve always been fuzzy with my Guadalcanal.

With no other way to make several million dollars, Owens made it sound as if Buffalo is his kind of town.

Oh no, I know what’s coming.

We know that’s a blatant lie. T.O. is the ultimate glamour hound, and Buffalo’s glamour quotient is in negative numbers.

Really? Are we going to do the “all that’s wrong with Buffalo list?” You’re better than this, Hat Guy.

“Desperate Housewives” stars don’t sneak into the Bills’ locker room to sneak a snuggle with a player. Jessica Simpson doesn’t hang with the quarterback. Phil Knight doesn’t have any of the Bills on speed dial.

Buffalo’s idea of gourmet fare is the hot wings at the Anchor Bar.

It’s true, every wedding reception I’ve ever been to was held at a bar. At the last one the cake was made out of potato skins and every course was deep fried. In other news, I weigh 637 lbs.

This is no criticism of either the meal or the venue — the Anchor invented hot wings, and if you ever find yourself within 100 miles of Buffalo, my advice is to take the detour and get yourself an infusion of the best wings you’ll ever have.

Hat Guy freaking loves those wings.

It’s just that I don’t see Owens hanging out at the Anchor eating wings. And while there are things to do in Buffalo, it’s not where the beautiful people go for excitement.

Only ugly people eat chicken wings. It’s science, people.

Owens embracing employment in Buffalo is like Donald Trump welcoming the chance to build a trailer park. It’s not something he’s doing because that’s the only place he wants to be, but because it’s the only place that will pay him to do his thing.

Again, have we figured out what’s wrong with that? Oh shit there’s another page, maybe he gets around to it eventually. Or maybe he can just talk about Loganberry and Mighty Taco’s philosophical impact on the 3-4 defense. Or something.

So we know it’s only about the money this time around. If he could have signed with a team worthy of his own opinion of himself, he would have. But he couldn’t and didn’t.

Right. From what I could tell everyone understood and was okay with this. What is so bad about that?

This is a recipe for disaster.

Really? Why do you say that?

It’s not even about pretending to want to win a championship. Even if T.O. is on his best behavior and plays better than he has in years, the Bills still aren’t going to win the AFC East. They probably won’t make the playoffs. They’re just not good enough.

Is that the disaster? Because that sounds pretty ordinary to me.

We know what he wants — a chance to somehow get through a season without a major public relations disaster and then coax another contract out of either the Bills or another team that’s lost its senses.

So we’ve established that the Bills have lost their senses and are playing some sort of $6.5 million dollar blackjack/craps/lottery ticket game that will put them on the brink of disaster. I have no fucking clue what Celizic is talking about, but I’m pretty sure he does not want that Buffalo Creek Casino built.

But first he’s got to get through a year in Buffalo without incident, and we know that’s not going to happen. It’s not because Owens doesn’t want to be a good soldier. It’s because he’s incapable of it. The programming isn’t there.

ROBO T.O. DOES NOT FEEL. WHAT. IS. TEAM? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

It’s like asking a wolf to swear off lamb chops or second-grader not to laugh at potty jokes.

For the record, I was a pretty damn mature second-grader. Penis.

Vegas should set an over-under on how many games Owens will last before he starts spewing acid.

Again with the gambling. C’mon, Hat Guy!

I’d put it at eight games — half the season.

And he’d bet $6.5 million on it, too.

By then, the Bills should be struggling and he should be explaining to the media it’s because Trent Edwards is a lousy quarterback who doesn’t have the brains to throw every ball to Owens.

Yeah, that sounds about right. I can see it now: “Trent Edwards relies on his tight end too much.” Not a hint of truth in that.

When he finally reverts to form, he won’t find apologists in Buffalo as he did in Dallas and even in Philly.

Because no one in Buffalo likes to criticize the front office or coaching staff. Anything Owens has to say will fall on deaf ears for sure.

Bills fans are people who work hard for their money, people who take the worst weather nature can throw at a city without complaint, people who expect their sports stars to be as down-to-earth as they are.

SALT OF GODDAMN THE EARTH!!!

T.O. fails on every count, which is why this experiment is doomed before it begins.

If I don’t see my wide receiver at Wegmans, I don’t want him on my team. Simple as that.

He’s in it for money and himself.

Yeah, what a jerk with his contract and whatnot.

The Bills say they’re in it to win, not realizing that they’ve lost already.

See that? The season hasn’t started and the Bills have already lost the biggest prize: their souls. They’ve lost their souls by signing a wide receiver who clearly doesn’t like chicken wings. That heartless, beautiful bastard. He won’t fit in here, and you heard it from Hat Guy first.

6 Comments

  1. twoeightnine

    It’s a 35-year-old wide out whose great skills are slowly declining

    TO in 2008: 69 REC
    TO in career: 73.1 REC/year
    TO in 2008: 1,052 yds
    TO career: 1,086.3 yds/year
    TO in 2008: 10 TDs
    TO career: 10.9 TDs/year

    Damn, he’s declining SO much. I love the overblown hyperbole on all matters Terrell Owens. The man is 35 years old, has played 13 seasons and is still one of the top WRs in the game. That doesn’t happen to WRs not named Rice and Moss. We’re not talking Torry Holt here, losing a step. We’re not taking about Marvin Harrison being washed up due to injuries. The man is a physical freak, in top notch conditioning and if he can somehow change his mindset it wouldn’t surprise me if he plays another 5 years and produces for 3-4 of them.

  2. Ryan

    Hat Guy is clearly not a numbers guy. Your logic and factual evidence means nothing to him.

    Besides, he made it pretty clear. Owens just isn’t a good fit. A disaster.

  3. firsttimelongtime

    It is shit like this column by hatguy that leaves a bad taste in my mouth about this signing.

    I am totally not ready for a year of Buffalo bashing. Fuck the heck.

  4. dave in Rocha

    “Bills fans are… people who take the worst weather nature can throw at a city without complaint…”

    Man, that tornado/hurricane/landslide/earthquake/tsunami/flood we had last year sure was devastating, wasn’t it?

    Fuck the heck indeed.

  5. Sarah Jane

    Favorite.post.EVER.

  6. Talkin_Proud

    James Lofton was 35 when he made the Pro Bowl as a Bill in 1991. And like 289 said, he’s a beast.

    I’m happy this town isn’t so glamorous because who the eff wants Jessica Simpson hanging around your quarterback anyways? Is this football, or Entertainment Tonight?