Hi. I’m Paul Gaustad of the Buffalo Sabres with an important message about conservation.
Looks nice, doesn’t it? It’s always an exciting time following the trade deadline, and new players are always quick to gain fans. And what better way to show your fandom than by making the ultimate purchase to support your favorite player: buying a jersey.
But hold on there, let’s not lose our heads. There are certain… circumstances that are important to remember. See Dom’s a great guy, but there’s really no telling how long he’s going to be on this team with his contract status. That’s not something we talk about in the locker room, but as a fan you need to be thinking about this. You want to get some mileage out of that jersey, right?
Let’s forget about how much it costs and instead focus on the environment. When a player leaves a team, the jerseys left behind suddenly lose purpose. So what happens to these priceless artifacts? Well, most are never seen again, eventually used for pickup hockey and thrown out when the smell becomes unbearable. That’s a lot of waste put into our garbage dumps, especially if you’re a Peter Forsberg fan.
If that jersey isn’t thrown out, however, the results are even more catastrophic. When a fan continues to wear a blatantly outdated jersey, a process begins that is called Jersey Toxification. Jersey Toxification is a process where the presence of an outdated jersey fouls the mood of the section that person sits in at sporting events. This air of shame slowly spreads throughout the venue, and soon the entire building is cast in a shadow of Briere and Drury jerseys.
It’s not hard to imagine that what happens on the ice is affected by this mood, and the number of scientists that believe in Jersey Toxification is staggering. The evidence has grown to a point beyond denying, and the sooner we address the JT issue the better. Each season JT affects millions of fans, and is by far the leading cause of shameless ridicule. I’m looking at you, Vladimir Tsyplakov fans.
So please, be aware when you are purchasing your jerseys. Mikael Tellqvist may now be your favorite player, and I admit that he has fantastic hair. Still, check his contract status before you threaten the environment with your frivolous purchase. With your help, we can prevent further harm to our environment, and turn the tide against the threat of Jersey Toxification.
Do I even have to say it?