Tim Connolly is… The Continental

by Ryan

[Door opens]

Ah yes! Please… come in! I am so happy to see you could make it this evening. Please, please, take a look around. Would you like some vintage Champagna?

You look… so lovely this evening. Like a Sicilian nymph luring Odysseus away from his ship. Ah the tale of Odysseus, what a wondrously woven story. Woven much like your dress, which holds you together. You see, in my various stages of respite I have become quite the reader. Come! Let me show you my rich collection of novels.

[Takes books off shelf]

Ah yes, what a lovely tale of… love. It’s something I find easy to… sink my teeth into. I hope you will turn out much the same way. You.. wof.. my arctic hush puppy! Let me show you some more!

Ah yes… the Monster Blood. Look at those lips, so much like yours. So… exquisite. You are a woman of fine taste, and a fine tasting woman knows that a monster lurks inside every man. This is my favorite work of literature by far, as I know what every word means. Mmmmnnnn… let us continue exploring our expository pleasures!

I must confess… this is one of my favorites as well. The fabric of this tale warms such… wonderful places! You minx! I’d love to see where your pants travel! Perhaps we can explore that story short-[book falls off shelf]

[Girl runs, The Continental intercepts]

Oh! Forgive me! Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! That one is from my private collection. A hobby, you see. I’ve developed many… hobbies in my free time. Please… would you please have more Champagna and indulge me further?


You see, in my spare time I have become… a fiend. A… how shall I put this lightly… a poker fiend. I must say that I love to… poker. My wish is to do it for a living some day, and to be quite frank I would like to go into business with you, my dear. Come! Let me show you the engine that powers my light. Come! I beseech you! Let me… poker with you!

[Shakes head no]

Ah! Okay! Let us move on then. Please, please, sit down my lovely little scallion. You have the finest… eyes I have seen on a woman in some time. So round and nubile! Such… eyes should be caressed by the finest of… pillows. Here, let me fix them for you!

[Leans forward, something falls out of bathrobe]

Wow! Wowee-wow-wow-wow!

[Girl runs away]

No, wait! Wait, no! no, don’t leave! Please! My intention.. my intention, you misunderstood! Please, forgive me! Wait! If you change your mind, you can call me!

Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.


  1. Jonathan


    You got me with Goosebumps.

    And only this brilliance can come from a Canisius man.

  2. dani

    Holy Loser Domi that was genius. I almost fell for him.

    (I don’t know about Canisius, but heck yes to Goosebumps)

  3. Jennifer

    That deserves a round of applause. Wonderful!

    (And it is probably so true!)

  4. S(h)ara

    “Oh no, I have spilled Champagna all over your boobs.”

    Sheer brilliance.

  5. amy

    I agree with Jonathan. This level of warped brilliance has a definite Canisius feel to it. Good job!

  6. Cari

    That was too perfect. Beautiful.

  7. Anne

    Amazing. Hahahaha.

  8. Zach

    That was just too freaking funny. Good way to start the morning.