Hi, I’m Paul Gaustad.
A lot has been said about this year’s presidential election. Sure today will be exciting, but I’m here to offer you hope for the future. Namely, hope four years from now. This may come as a shock to some of you, but when my contract comes up after the 2011-12 season, I won’t be coming back to the Sabres.
I’m running for president.
Now don’t get too upset, this is something I’ve always wanted to do. My love of the environment has been put to good use in Buffalo, but there’s just so much more beyond recycling bins at HSBC Arena and sweet, sweet merchandising revenue. There’s an entire world out there to save, and this is my chance to make a real difference before it’s too late.
Of course, I’ve already picked out my vice president. This is a bit unorthodox, but I feel strongly about my running mate and want to make sure no one else has the chance to steal him before the general election. He’s a bit cold at first, but if you give him a little love and attention he warms up real fast.
No, not the television, Obama called shotgun on that long ago. I’m talking about the little guy next to him, the aluminum can. Now don’t get down on me just yet, let me explain. I mean, do you even know how much power an aluminum can has in it? Together with my charming good looks and his limitless energy source, we can’t be beat!
Look at that, we’re just too damn adorable. This election is going to be difficult, but I would hope we can put aside our differences and embrace the journey to the White House. I give you a decent faceoff percentage and strong forecheck, and you give me your vote. It’s just that simple.
Gaustad/Aluminum ’12: Because let’s face it, we’re pretty much there already, aren’t we?