An Appeal to Reason

by Ryan

I’m having a crisis of faith right now.

You see, I’ve been betrayed. Betrayed by one of my very own. Last night was my first fantasy football draft of the year, and terrible things went down. One of my best friends (for the sake of his safety he will remain nameless), a person I’ve known for years and attend Sabres games with regularly, committed one of the mortal sins of fantasy football.

He brought his girlfriend to the draft.

Now let me stop here and say that this is not a sexist matter, nor is it about this one girl. For the record, she is a great person and if my nameless, (apparently soul-less) friend is reading, she’s a keeper. However, what he did last night just isn’t allowed. In fact, this is so not allowed I didn’t even think I had to bring it up in order to prevent it.

Look, it’s 2008 and I’m a realist. I think women should have equal rights and equal pay and all that good stuff. I even don’t have a problem with women playing fantasy football/hockey/baseball and all those typical sexist arguments. However, there are a few places significant others just should not show up. The first of those is a fantasy football draft, and the others aren’t important enough to bring up at this point in time.

Fantasy football may not matter to some people (Wilbon), but for a lot of guys it is the only “hobby” they have. This is the 21st Century, there aren’t many secret societies floating around that you can join. Bringing your girlfriend to a draft is like taking the town drunk and your dog Skippy to a Freemasons meeting back in the day. It seems pretty obvious that it’s not an “open invitation” kind of thing.

Why is this is big deal, you ask. Why not just let significant others/spouses show up to drafts? Just picture the scene in your head for a moment. A guy misses out on the QB he pegged. He curses, and that is immediately followed by an “Awwwwwwww” and a back rub.

This. Happened.

I couldn’t even comprehend the fact that it was happening, and before you know it Yahoo’s servers crapped out on us and the last four rounds were auto picked. Yes, I blame her. The servers smelled the menstruation, and put our whole draft board at risk. I’m pretty sure I heard a bear in my backyard, too.

I… I don’t even know what to do. I guess what I’m looking for is a confirmation that I’m not crazy. That is the rule, right? No girlfriends. I didn’t just make that up in my head, right? Has anyone had to deal with this before? Should there be some form of punishment?

I need to lie down before the alien bursts out of my chest and hunts him down. Good grief.


  1. brian s.

    That’s the rule of our draft too. Except the one girl who actually owns a team in the league and the host’s wife who cooks all the food. And none of us would have it any differently.

  2. Heather B.

    No girlfriends/wives at drafts unless they’re playing. Even I know and approve of that. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask Mark if I could come to his draft.

  3. Kevin

    Geez. With all due respect, when did your friend undergo surgery to have his balls removed?

    The worst part is you and the other nine guys in the room can’t say anything because then the young lady will hate you forever, and what if he marries her or something?

    He should have had to forfeit his first-round pick.

  4. talleywhackers

    A guy misses out on the QB he pegged. He curses, and that is immediately followed by an “Awwwwwwww” and a back rub.

    I just threw up in my mouth.

    Though I have to say, NO ONE not participating in a fantasy draft should be present. It’s awkward, and the dude equivalent is your knowitall, dumbass friend chiming in with “In MY league, I picked Tom Brady with my first pick. I can’t believe you think Steven Jackson is going to hold up.”

    FUCK THAT GUY. And his girlfriend. Which probably doesn’t exist.

  5. Jonathan Grant Keller

    Next time say ‘who let the fucking cunt in?’.

    Lots will get sorted out real quick.

  6. TheTick

    I don’t know any situation where having a non-involved person around is a good idea. Your job is to make the situation as uncomfortable as possible…next time, ask ‘Where the hell is MY backrub??’. I’m sure you can come up with more.

  7. Jon

    Women should stay in the kitchen and out of fantasy football drafts.

    /end (mostly) facetious comment