The Money Plan: Phase One Complete

by Ryan

Actions speak louder than words.

The first step of the master plan is complete. Marshawn Lynch has admitted he was behind the wheel of the Moneymobile, and he has paid the price for his actions.

That price? $100.

Well, $101.20 Canadian. Still, well worth it when you consider the message being sent.

You see, that plush pedestrian was made an example of by Marshawn, and he knew full well what he was doing. By mowing down Whatshername from Toronto, he made a statement on the economic, social and political effect this whole “regionalization” stuff has on the team. The point is, Money’s not cool with this whole Toronto thing.

Oh yes, he saw that Canadian and her floppy, egg-shaped head and he went in for the maim. Then he slowed down. Or sped up. Or maybe stopped. Whatever, he probably went home to play some Madden or something. But the damage had been done, the Theses nailed to the church door. Money don’t play with regionalization. Money don’t play with passports.

While Goodell plays us all for fools, Marshawn Lynch is taking up the fight on our behalf, and we as fans should rally behind his actions.

I mean sure, Ray Lewis (allegedly) killed a guy, but every Ravens fan knows that guy was trying to move the team to Indianapolis again. Preemptive strike, motherf#^kers. Pacman Jones did… things, but every Titans Cowboys fan knows the people involved all claimed Mrs. Pacman was a better game. No matter how true, a man defends his honor.

Heck, O.J. Simpson (allegedly) killed two people, and everyone knows…uh… okay, I got nothing. Forget about that one, but you know he was stealing satellite from a Dolphins fan, so there.

The point is this: Marshawn Lynch is a hero, and a man on a mission that we should all support. He hits and runs with a heart of gold, with gold teeth to match and a thought towards the best interests of the franchise.

The next time you think of the incident, consider this: when he caught sight of that maple syrup stained hussie, he was thinking about you. Yes, you personally, Mr. Bills Fan. He knows your plight, and he will do whatever it takes to keep this franchise from the grips of quasi-Socialism.

Next target:


The revolution may not be swift and it may be bloody, but it won’t be televised on CBC.