Surprise!

by Ryan

Portland it is. The Sabres will no longer simply be taking a trip down the 90 to get their prospects, and road tripping it to see Marek Zagrapan play is suddenly much harder. But forget all that, what you want to know is this:

This is Crackers the Parrot and Salty Pete the Pirate.

Holy s#$t.

I mean I get it, the pirate is the logo and everything, but does it have to look that… comfortable with its own sexuality? There are writers for the Village Voice that have less experience with peg legs and timber shivering.

What about that parrot, too? Are we serious with the name Crackers? Is that a statement on the demographics of Portland, Maine or is there some kind of black market for saltines I’m not aware of?

Look at those nimble knees. That Pirate doesn’t even have his sea legs, how is he supposed to skate?

However, even with all this alternate lifestyle mascotery Portland’s queer pairing still better the options in Florida. Namely, the existence of Mini Stanley C. Panther.

Yes, beyond the pink hat and next to the “I Heart ____” (I’m guessing “other douchebags”) shirt is a mascot smaller than the majority of its clients. The logic behind this little critter is that it will appeal to a “younger audience”. Apparently the original Stanley C. Panther was designed for the Matlock crowd, so I guess that’s enough of a reason to wrap a little person in felt and put a cat’s head on. I bet it pays well.

It seems only a matter of time before Florida unveils its “Placenta Panther” to get the attention of all the young hockey fans in Florida before they leave the womb.

2 Comments

  1. Jennifer

    Mini Stanley C. Panther is wrong on so many levels, creepy even.

  2. amy

    Some little kid is going to see the miniature Stanley C. Panther and have a colossal meltdown. Mascots shouldn’t be the same size as a nine year old.

    Look what happened with the Bisons. They took away the miniature versions of Buster named Chip and Micro Chip, and replaced them with Belle the Ballpark Tramp. Though I’m not sure that’s an upgrade.