Santa Claus in Mitchell Report

by Ryan

Our innocence was shattered today when an unnamed source cited Santa for use of illegial substances on the Mitchell Report, which will be released later today.

No word on the nature of the substance, but rumor has it the fabled peppermint HGH was his drug of choice.

“No way he gets all those presents there in one night without some help,” says a source with ties to Claus’ holiday operation. “He’s been using for years. Under that suit he’s pretty jacked.”

Millions of children around the world were shocked to hear the news, but general concensus is that Christmas will still be had.

“It makes me sad to see, but I really want those presents,” says little Jimmy Roberts, 6, of Niagara Falls. “Besides, nothing is proven and Santa’s always been such a nice person.”

Six year old Cindy Stevens of Lockport had a more ominous take.

“I hope Rudolph isn’t jucing,” Cindy said, “I don’t know what I’d do.”

The official report will be released today at two. Until then, all eyes are on the man in red.

One Comment

  1. Billy

    Most ballplayers today are taking homeopathic growth hormone oral spray because it’s safe, undetectable, and legal for over the counter sales. As time goes on it seems it might be considered as benign a performance enhancer as coffee, aspirin, red bull, chewing tobacco, and bubble gum.