Cox Gobblers Not Named Michael Bolton

by Ryan

If you’ve ever taken an English class this will look very familiar. Pick a side and argue. Try to use proper English.

It’s not hard, but why does that conversation between Scott Burnside and Damien Cox read like two paraplegics humping a doorknob?

Articles like that are what makes me hate ESPN’s coverage of hockey. The whole premise of the piece was to debate a single event, the Winter Classic. The result was boring, unfunny, and outright insulting at times. Did they even do research on the game? I mean Christ, there was more discussion of grammar then the actual event. Endeavor? Palaver? Toque? Do you guys want to play Scrabble or talk some hockey?

I’ve never been a fan of Damien Cox, but does the guy always have to be such an asshat? “Boo hoo, you can’t see. It will be cold. Whah whah.” He sounds like the 85 year old complaining about the Ice Bowl that was behind me at the Isles game last week. His complaints were followed by his companion asking “So… are they playing field hockey?” I think that shows the level of hockey IQ displayed in that argument.

His best quote was the following:

The notion that the NHL will add a single new fan is preposterous.

Wow. Let’s throw absolutes around while making arguments, I’m sure that will end well. I’m sure it is possible someone will could be converted into a new hockey fan. I know how impossible it may seem, but some poor soul that gets sucked into watching the game on NBC may actually enjoy what he sees and want to view more. Nah, you’re right Cox, there’s no way hockey can gain new fans. Let’s just not bother marketing the game altogether. New Jersey.

I find that anytime I actually read the garbage has for hockey I get pissed off. The problem is that Cox is a douchebag that enjoys playing devil’s incompetent advocate, and Scott Burnside is an fing terrible writer. He makes Skip Bayless look like Hemingway, and knows less about most teams then Rob Ray knows about words with more than three syllables.

Don’t even start about their reserves. Linda Coen gushing about Ottawa? Getting doe-eyed over Gomez and Drury? Gag me with a spoon. And while I do like John Buccigross, sometimes he is just as unreadable. Ask him how good the Panthers are going to be. Just ask. Uuuuuugh.

I guess what gets me so mad is that this really is what the majority of sports fans have to endure when they venture into some hockey coverage. People just don’t know about alternatives like Deadspin’s “NHL Closer“, or sites like James Mirtle’s blog or the excellent Kuklas Korner. If sports fans knew there were people who can actually write about hockey and make it sound as fun as it can be, I think things would be a lot different for hockey in America.

At the very least, Norby could hire someone that knows what the hell is going on.