Storytime With Uncle Bucky

by Rich

Well, the Bills are 4-4 thanks in no small part to a defense that’s playing so far over their heads it’s unbelievable. The Sabres are strugg-a-ling at 5-6-1, and UB lost a tough road game over the weekend to that other school that has the nerve to call themselves Miami. So as Buffalo sports fans, what do we need right now? That’s right, kids! Another steaming pile of crap from the typewriter of Uncle Bucky! Once again, His Royal Buckiness has issued a proclamation from the throne, and he’ll be damned if the facts are going to stand in his way!

You know how to be sure you’re reading a Bucky Gleason “article?” You read something completely inaccurate, infuriating and intolerably smug before he even says anything about Buffalo. Take his opening, for example:

“The best part about the Red Sox winning the World Series twice in the past four years is that we’re no longer being force-fed brainless rhetoric about Boston being a tormented sports town. It never made sense in the first place. Beantown actually didn’t have a clue when it came to long-suffering fans.

The Patriots have won three of the past six Super Bowls and could very well win another. The Celtics won 16 NBA titles. The Bruins won five Stanley Cups. With torture like that, who needs sunny, 80 and a beach full of swimsuit models?”

This is so unfathomably stupid that it causes me physical pain. Yes, Bucky, the Patriots have won three Super Bowls. But between 1970 and 2000, they were a robust 217-237 in the regular season. Oh, and they were 6-9 in the playoffs with two Super Bowl losses during that span, with 5 of the 6 wins coming in 1985 and 1996. Wow. You’re right, Bucky. It must’ve been awesome to be a Pats fan during that time. No suffering there.

And yes, you’re right. The Bruins won 5 Stanley cups. In 1929, 1939, 1941, 1970, and 1972. But Uncle Bucky says that Buffalo can’t talk about AFL titles from the 1960’s, so we should disqualify any championship in any sport that was won before 1970. Those first three Cups the Bruins won? Forget ’em. Doesn’t count. Even then, it’s been thirty-five years since Boston’s won a title in hockey.

The Celtics? Yeah, they’ve been pretty good, even when you use The Bucky Rule to disqualify the 11 championships they won before 1970. Except for the fact that their current title drought is old enough to drink, and the things they’ve been known for since then have been, oh, I don’t know…less than ideal. Len Bias and Reggie Lewis dying, and Larry Bird not walking through that door.

So for those of you keeping score at home, Bucky’s initial argument was to say that Boston has never been a “tormented sports town” because the Patriots and Red Sox have won 5 titles since 2001. Uhh….great, except for the fact that nobody was ever trying to make that point. Boston was…not IS, but WAS, a tormented BASEBALL town. Until 2004. Period. Just because the Sox, Pats, and Celtics (if you don’t mind my assumption that the 2-0 KG Celts will be a decent team this year) are good right now doesn’t mean that they always were. As usual, Buckster, your use of irrelevant facts is surpassed only by the fundamental insanity of the point they’re meant to support.

It keeps going, making reference to Cleveland’s 1948 World Series title as apparent proof that they aren’t “long-suffering” fans (evidently it’s not important that that means Cleveland has actually been without a title since before any of Buffalo’s current franchises existed). Oh, and you gotta love the bit where Bucky asserts that Cubs fans are not “tormented” by their 99-years-and-counting World Series drought because, among other things, the White Sox won a title in 2005. Yeah, you read that right. Cubs fans aren’t suffering anymore because their crosstown rivals won a championship.

You may ask how any of this relates to Buffalo sports, and you’d be right to wonder. Well, you see: first, Bucky had to establish that not only do Buffalo’s fans suffer more than anyone else, but that nobody else’s suffering was ever as great as ours is now. Once he’s done that, he can go about telling us simple folk how it’s all our fault, of course!

One thing that has become apparent over the years is that fans around here have lowered their standards. They’ve become soft. Somehow, just being competitive became acceptable. The Sabres fell on their faces last year — it was mostly lack of effort, folks, not a shortage of talent — and were praised for reaching the conference finals two straight years.

It’s a loser’s mentality. Fans should demand more from their teams rather than settle for their mere presence.”


Did you know that Buffalo sports teams lose because we’re too soft? Mind you, he’s not taking issue with the mental toughness of any of the actual athletes, coaches or organizations, but with the fans. Yeah, that’s right. It’s our fault. The Bills and Sabres lose because fans “have come to accept it.”

Really? Well, I guess I need to step up and take responsibility for my actions.

Sorry, everyone. It’s my fault that Drury and Briere left. I wasn’t focused enough on July 1st. Had I been more dedicated to a championship, they would’ve re-signed. Instead, my head wasn’t in the game, and now they’re gone.

For that matter, I’m sorry I let Brett Hull score. I’m sorry I didn’t tackle Kevin Dyson. I’m sorry I didn’t spot the puck before Rob Brind’Amour did.

Obviously, all of those things happened because fans such as myself “accept losing.”

Mea Culpa. Mea Maxima Culpa.

Because obviously, psychotically expecting a championship every year guarantees that you’ll win, right?

….Right?

3 Comments

  1. Kevin

    Like shooting fish in a barrel boys, isn’t it? But too hard to resist.

  2. Chris

    Dear Bucky,
    I’m sorry for Barbaro.

  3. Soup

    Bucky-

    The Sabres defensive injuries……. my bad