What were you guys saying about me? Trade me? Six points not enough for you?
Boom. Maxsplosion tonight.
Wait, you think I didn’t do all that? Psh. I owned tonight.
That first goal- c’mon guys, you don’t think that was on purpose? Sure, I had about 4 milliseconds to make that play, but that was all vision. I saw the D come out to block the shot, I saw Vanek behind him, and you know I saw Roy in the slot ready for a perfect tip. You think I meant to shoot it on net and missed by a mile? As if, sister.
Okay, so I wasn’t on the ice for Connolly’s goal, you got me. However, I did touch his forehead with my magic, flowing hair before that shift, so my Max Magic had to have rubbed off. I’ll take a secondary assist.
But that third goal, man… did you see me there? I knew that pass coming across the crease was going to be blocked, but did I give up on the play? No sir, I slapped at air like there was no tomorrow. What a fake, right? That little booger-eater Price had no idea what was going on, and that crease was so clean I could run a curling rock right through the house.
I won’t ask for an assist on that one, but Tommy better think twice when he’s naming his next kid. Maxim Vanek? Afino Vanek? Maxim Vanek-Afinogenov? We’ll work it out later…
Yeah, I was in pretty good shape, but did I close shop up 3-2? Once again, no.
The empty net goal. You remember that little fuzz ball stumbling down the ice like a barrel of monkeys? Yep, that was me.
I was flying, man, and it wasn’t for me, no sir. I knew Paille would be there to clean it up, that’s why I didn’t bother getting off my knees to make that blind pass. I have faith in the ways of the Obese Sidney Crosby lookalike. Who cares if he has more goals than me? (Or Drew. Or Ales. Or Timmy. Hrmm…)
So in conclusion, I’m awesome.
Wait, what about that penalty? And why can’t I make a good pass with plenty of time, but can set up a Roy tip-in with a millisecond to spare?
Psh. You just don’t understand how this works, do you? I’m going to make the simplest things seem hard, and make the impossible look easy. I’m going to blow your mind.
Sure, I could out sprint a gazelle on acid, but you know I’m going to take a lazy tripping penalty. That outlet pass you want me to make? I’d look better if I did a cartwheel and headbutted it to him, right?
And just when you leave me for dead, or want to trade me for Jay McKee(!?!), I’m gonna go on a ten game point streak. Then separate my shoulder. Then come back and win a game in overtime. Then get a concussion. And while I’m out, you’re all going to say, “I miss Max. We need him back.”
So what are you going to get from me tonight? Eh, let’s see how I feel. I may be tired after all the awesomeness I threw around last night.