Dear Tiki Barber,

by Ryan

Hey, buddy! Long time no see. Actually, I see you everywhere these days, and it makes me want to blind myself with an awl.

Here’s the deal, Tiki: you were slightly amusing on Fox News. Yeah, I think my Mom tuned in a few times, whatever.

Then you got a bit shady and announced you were retiring in the middle of a playoff race. While the Niedermayer method is not recommended, you didn’t play it much better.

And now that you are actually retired you just can’t seem to keep your mouth shut about anything. This new found release from allegiances has you telling anyone that will listen what you think about the Giants and their general suckitute.

Guess what Tiki? If you are going to collectively throw the organization, players, and staff under the bus, we’d appreciate it if you stopped using the possessive when you talk about them. You were just so giddy when you cut ties with the G-men, why linger around with all this “we” and “us” and “our” garbage.

Sure, it doesn’t help when Madden refers to the Giants as “yours,” but we all know he’s losing it. The keys have been taken away from him in his video game, and he did the freaking Heisman Pose a few weeks back and no one batted an eye. Don’t even get me started on his “colorful” artwork.

No one wants to hear you talk like this, friend. Even Steve Tasker thinks you are being a homer. So cut the crap and do what you do best: say nothing meaningful in a suit. You are not special. You just happen to have a nice wardrobe and adorable smile. Heck, Keyshawn Johnson looked like Neapolitan ice cream this morning and still got a paycheck for it.

So shut up, publish your stupid book no one will read, and get out of my face. Unless you are suiting up next week behind that fat kid who backs up Eli, move on. You are retired. Get over yourself.

Oh, and tell Keith Olbermann that he sucks at life, and if he continues to make bland jokes all season I’m flying to New York City to beat him with his red phone. He’s killing me, and making Collinsworth and Costas turn themselves into low rent stand-up artists.

I can’t believe I watched your lame schtick while Kevin Everett is lying in a hospital bed clinging to what’s left of his career. It only goes to show how pathetic and vapid “Football Night in America” is in light of real life. Disgusting.

To think you retired to save your best years for later in life, Tiki. Good for you. While you sit there and create a storm of meaningless bullshit, guys like Kevin Everett risk everything just to play the game they love. Thank God you had the decency to give your self promotion a backseat in light of today’s events.

What an assclown.