Every time I go to the arena or any event with a large gathering of sports fans, one of my favorite pastimes include picking out the various jerseys of long forgotten role players or just generally odd jerseys. That being said, there are some jerseys that should never see the light of day. I present to you, The Ten Commandments of Jersey Wearing.
I. Thou shall not apply their own name on a jersey
We’ve all seen it. You are walking into the arena, and you spot a jersey with a name you don’t recognize. You scan your brain, and you finally come to the conclusion that it was custom lettered with the owner’s last name. This is despicable. You don’t play for the team, you don’t get a jersey. It’s as simple as that. EXCEPTIONS: 1) If you share a name with a player on the team ( I am the proud owner of a three sizes too small Brian Campbell jersey) 2) If you are under the age of 8. Then your parents are to blame.
II. Thou shall not wear the jersey of a hated player.
Last night I spotted three, count ’em, three Miro Satan jerseys. This is completely unacceptable. Miro was lazy, and left on the worse possible terms. He’s booed every time he touches the puck now, and you are going to admit to the world that you spent 100 some odd dollars on his jersey five years ago? Are you insane? Other examples include Doug Gilmore and Rob Johnson, or wearing a Chris Pronger jersey around Edmonton. Bad choices, all around.
III. Thou shall only wear a jersey if it is the replica of one that was actually used in a game.
This commandment is inspired by the influx of white, old-school, Sabres jerseys with a number on the front. News flash… these never existed. Buy a blue one and be done with it, they look better anyways.
IV. Thou shall not steal.
If one of your buddies buys a brand new Marshawn Lynch jersey, he has claimed the rights to that player. Do not steal his idea and buy one for yourself. Nothing looks cheesier than three guys sitting together at a game, all wearing the same jersey. People will begin to suspect things. Also, if a person is talking about buying an obscure throwback jersey (i.e. California Golden Seals), do not buy this behind their back. That’s just wrong. (I’m talking to you, JB).
V. Thou shall not bestow an honor upon someone who is honor less.
Wearing a “C” or “A” on a hockey jersey is a huge honor, and this should be respected. Do not apply an “A” on an Andrew Peters jersey. He didn’t earn it. What gives you the right to give him that honor? Also, if you MUST put your own name on a jersey, placing a “C” on the front should result in a burning at the stake. That is wrong on so many levels. If a friend of mine did that, I would immediately cease all forms of communication with him/her. I’m not kidding. Try me, I dare you.
(Side note: Earlier this season, I took in a game at Buffalo Wild Wings on Transit Road. There was a gentlemen in his mid-forties with his name on the back of a blue slug jersey. On the front of the jersey, he gave himself an “A”. My friends and I found this funny for a few different reasons. First of all, this man was pathetic for having his name on his jersey and deeming himself alternate captain. Second of all, he didn’t even find himself good enough to be el capitano. We all came to the conclusion that he was second-in-line to “the Fonz” of his group, and that said “Fonz” must have gotten his own customized jersey with a “C”.)
VI. Thou shall not purchase a practice jersey.
This is the strangest trend I have ever seen. They run at about 80 dollars. They don’t have a name on them. Why not spend the extra 30 dollars to get a blank version of the real thing? Even worse, buying the baby blue practice jersey, or the obnoxious highlighter yellow color. It’s not even the team colors, yet you waste your money on it. Go figure…..
VII. Thou shall not put an old player on a new jersey.
I don’t know if I saw the same person twice, or if there are a few of these floating around…. but it is not acceptable to put Rob Ray or any other old Sabre on the back of a new style jersey. Ray never wore the slug, don’t put him on one. Granted, this is a take on the Third Commandment, but I think it deserving of its own commandment.
VIII. Thou shall not put a phrase on the back of their jersey
Please. No “LEAFSSUCK” on the back of your jersey, or worse yet “STANLEY” with the number “07”. I think this one speaks for itself.
IX. Thou shall not have their jersey autographed by anyone other than the player on the back.
A pet peeve of mine is the person that has dozens of signatures of players on his JP Losman jersey. Not only does it look tacky, most of those players are the ragtag offensive undrafted offensive lineman that never had a shot at making the team in the first place. Get Losman to autograph your jersey, and be done with it. It looks better that way.
X. Thou shall NEVER, EVER buy a pink jersey.
This is the worst trend in the history of sporting apparel. A message to females: This is not cute. It makes men want to vomit. Every time I see one of these on TV at a game, I’m furious that this person has forked over the cash for a seat and I am home. Never buy one of these, they may single-handedly ruin all that is sports apparel. Plus, there is something strangely cute about a girl in an over sized hockey jersey. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me….